Meet Tucker

Meet my new best friend Tucker. Tucker is a rescue about five months old. We have had him now for about three weeks, and is all PUPPY!!!!

But if you separate the puppy from him he is a very smart and confident dog. His father was a full blooded German Shepard, and his mama was a Lab. We have been working with him daily on his sit, down, stay, and heel commands. He is doing fantastic. We took him this last week to his first school lesson to learn his ABC's of dog obedience. The school is a training facility for police dogs that do both K9 and narcotics training. They also have an agility course. While waiting for our trainer we took the dog through the agility course. The smart boy climbed both the long ramp and the tall ramp on his own when asked. I was so darned proud of him. The trainer said that he showed a lot of self confidence, and was quite unusual for a 5 month old dog never having been exposed to the ramps before. I think she was amazed at how smart he was. 

Today I took him hiking through old logging trails near our home. It was his first time off leash in a remote area, and he was wonderful about staying close and coming when called. I have a new partner to share my days with. What a blessing he is.

My Fall Picture

It's fall on the Cumberland Plateau and my beautiful and loving wife decided I needed a new picture for my various social networks and blogs. She captured me standing with my 48' Ford. Both the truck and me are originals, I can assure you!

Flash 55 Friday - First Date...

It took courage for Sergio to ask Leona out for their first date. Leona had always been so formal, and seemed just a bit shy. The idle chatter between them did nothing to change her mood, and now Sergio could only ponder how this beautiful girl, with such inviting eyes could be so tightly wrapped.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - After dinner thoughts...

Karen sighed, as she carefully draped the kitchen towel over the oven handle to dry. Dinner was done, laundry washed and folded, and the awful mess cleaned up in the kitchen. If Ken would have been more receptive, she thought, we could have avoided the whole episode. She just wanted to take that walk now.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

A Piece of Work

In October of 2009, my wife Teri said, I needed to get my ass to the doctor for a check up. As usual she was right. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and two months later had a heart attack which resulted in six way heart by-pass surgery.

I thought I would share the before and after portraits.


























The first photo was taken in October, 2009, the second in May of this year. Thanks to my dear wife's concern, the many great doctors and nurses, and my own hard work and determination not to repeat past mistakes, I am a new man. I have lost 65 lbs. to date, and live a very healthy and active lifestyle.

Thanks sweetheart for your concern and continued support.

Your ole Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - A Puzzling Experience

She just couldn't believe all the fuss the boys were making over this. After all, blue skies, bright sunshine, and the smell of fresh clean mountain air, made a perfect day to hang one's delicate's out to dry.

But boys will be boys; curious, they were puzzled at how the outdoor clothes dryer actually worked.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

To put by

July was hot, but August appears to be off to an even worse start here on the Cumberland Plateau. How fortunate, that we were able to get enough rain to keep the gardens alive, and producing during this searing heat. Being the old Buzzard that I am, I find ways to occupy my day, staying the hell out of the heat and Mama Birds way. Mama Bird does not like to see idle hands, if you get my drift.

This is the time of year Mama Bird likes to start canning fruits and vegetables, or as they say
down this way, "'to put by," or "to put up" It's an old deep-country way of saying to 'save something you don't have to use now, against the time when you'll need it.'

That got me thinking, yea, I know, duck and cover is what Mama Bird says's. A few years back we found some old half gallon canning jars. Half gallon jars aren't common, and we were hoping they would clean up so we could use them in the canning process. It didn't happen, so me being the Buzzard that I am thought about finding a good use for them. The light went on, so to speak, as I walked out the door into 100 degree heat. Why not store as much of this hot air as we can into these old jars? I mean the concept is right for this sort of thing. We have an over abundance of this hot air at the moment. Global warming and election politics has to be the two largest contributors to the situation. We can certainly debate the global warming issues, but there is no doubt that politicians are expelling foul hot air at an enormous rate at the moment. I'm thinking, why not just do some canning, "put it by" until about January or February. Like the fruits and vegetables, we "put up" now, all that hot air will be much appreciated in the bitter cold of winter!

Mama Bird just chimed in, and thought this was a perfect idea. She said, she couldn't wait for that cold winter day. "You know those kinds of days," she said, "the ones when you have no clue about what you want for dinner. I'll just open up a jar of that hot air, and you can sit and enjoy both the meal, and some of those old stale conversations about lying politicians and broken promises."

On second thought, I believe those jars will make perfect shooting targets this fall.

Flash 55 Friday - Road Story

He had traveled all day, now tired and hungry, it was time.
His eyes now playing tricks, as evening shadows enveloped the road ahead.
Now was the time to find a place to eat, relax, and hopefully discover a clean restroom.
Sure he was in the right place something happened that questioned his cock sureness.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

Buzzard Update

It seems like it's been forever since I wrote on my own or read any blogs. For those of you that have asked about the Buzzard, I appreciate your thoughts. My wife, who has been a sick lady for several years took a turn for the worse just a little over a month ago. She spent some time in the hospital here locally and finally last week we visited the Mayo Clinic in hopes of finding some answers and hope. Unfortunately, for us, we found neither answers nor hope in our journey.

I have always tried to use my blog to feature what I observe as the humorous side of life and its experiences. However, this last month I have not found that much to laugh about. As anyone who has dealt or deals with serious or chronic illness to a loved one knows, it sucks the life out of all involved. I will avoid commenting about her health issues on this blog, as it takes all the emotional well being we have just to update and explain the issues to family members and close friends. Just know that my redhead is truly the fire and light of my life, and I pray for her well being daily.

That's the update, I aim to start writing again immediately for my own mental health.

Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - Communication

This 55 is dedicated to all of us parents who have to say "no" sometimes.

"Lori! Do I have to spell it out for you?" Her mom stated with firm conviction.
Lori was relentless, "but mom, all the kids are going; it's not fair!"
"Lori, that's enough; we made plans for the family this evening. You're not going."
Lori left the table hurriedly, no longer interested in eating her lunch.


Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - A Sign

It's almost Friday again, she thought.
Who is this Mr. KnowItAll, and what does he want?
Is it a momentary flash of brightness?
A sudden intense burst of radiant energy?
Some itinerant gleam of understanding?
Or was it something more deliberate?
It was then, she noticed the sign.
She knew immediately what the G-man needed.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

The Graying Rebellion

My good friend Charlie, a.k.a. Professor B Worm wrote a post this week about hair and haircuts. His post reminded me of an article I had written a few years back for the local newspaper. I thought it still appropriate for a reprint.

The Graying Rebellion

Three years ago, I put on my retirement face. I have made very few adjustments to the look, and I think it gives me a dignified confidence to go with my ever present smile. The difference in that other face I once wore as a well dressed executive, and the one I now willing submit for public view, is that I have chosen to leave this one partially covered with gray whiskers. Every day for twenty eight years I scrapped my face dutifully, molding my look into the cloned expectations of a business world that wanted no part of individuality or facial hair. I read somewhere that an average man can spend six months of his life shaving. If that’s true, and my calculations are correct, I have already used about three months of this allotment.

I was in the Register of Deeds Office in Overton County last week. Exhibited along the back wall of the outer office, are historic portrait photos dating back to the 1800’s that depict past custodians of this noble and public office. It is those pictures, from before the turn of the last century, that I admire most. Each of these men is magnificently groomed, and display well defined combinations of artfully styled mustaches, beards, and sideburns. They have presence, importance and each individual has a very distinctive visual personality. Looking at the remainder of the photographs, reminds me of looking at an old photograph of President Harry S. Truman. When I’m looking at photos of business men taken since World War I, all the men look alike. Sort of makes you rethink the idea that that cloning is a new science.

A couple we know were found bristling over this hairy topic just this last week. An important event was before them and there was much discussion over shaving the hair on his silvery “chiny-chin-chin”. So I asked my wife, why it is that so many women liken male facial hair to a fungus that needs to be eradicated? Not all women mind you, feel that way, as there seems to be more than a few women that go completely ga ga over singers, actors, and outlaws with the late day shadow, or the I’m not shaving this week look.

My wife says that some women prefer their men to have that clean cut, well defined, strong chiseled jaw look you find in ads for men’s clothing, on the covers of romance novels, or on the men in day time soap operas. It’s the boyish good looks sort of thing; six pack abs, chiseled jaw line, and where hair is only important when it’s on top of one’s head. Most surveys conducted about women’s attitudes toward beards, find that only 2 or 3 percent of them would describe a beard or facial hair on men as sexy.

My life has traveled in cycles and so has my appearance. The rebellious long curly brown hair and wild red mustache-goatee look of my youth, has rebelliously reemerged 35 years later as short gray hair and a neatly trimmed gray mustache-goatee. I do admit to getting lazy about shaving any whiskers that I am not actively trying to cultivate, and only see to the task about twice a week on average. Since I never had that strong well chiseled jaw look, I thought a distinguished older look might do. My wife Teri warned me more than once that there is big difference between a distinguished older look that carries a charge, and the stubbly old man look that my grandkids won’t come near.

I was smiling the day I saw our friends at their big event. Inside my head I was cheering the fact he had held fast to his own personal expression of male dignity. I am grateful that my wife has seen fit to let me reestablish the rebellious look of my youth, and in some way separate myself from that corporate image I forced myself to maintain. My beard is like a security blanket somehow, and it makes me feel comfortable as I find myself stroking through it as if in search of any wisdom that may be unlocked in the soft gray hairs. Although beards have not been a traditional look worn by men of my family, I do find every now and then that when I look into the mirror my dad’s eyes are looking back at me, and hidden right in the middle of that gray mustache-goatee, he is smiling too.

Chinese Food...

Cornerstone Community News, Vol. 1, Issue 5

Our little community here on the Cumberland Plateau has found it difficult to draw new business ventures to the area. Mayor Oakie met with the county leadership committee interns a few months ago, and established a list of businesses that could best benefit the community as we grow. The committee held discussions with local businesses and citizens for input, and found consensus that restaurants should be a priority.

You would think that adding a few more eating establishments around town would be non-controversial, but far from it the Mayor explained. He said that the committee had fought over what type of restaurants would be best, what type of food served, and would liquor, spirits, or beer be served? Mayor Oakie known for his public outbursts, was said by a committee member to have made the final decision when he told the group, that he would just like to have some Fu_King Chinese food every once in a while.

We are very happy to report that a new Fu_King Chinese restaurant was recently opened here on West Main St. The proprietor, Sum Yung Gai, said it was a great location, bringing in steady lunch and dinner crowds. Most everyone interviewed about the food choices and quality, said that the Fu_King food was fabulous. I have to admit, I have also become a Fu_King nut myself, over the food.

Cornerstone Fictional News, sometimes on Wednesdays, by the Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - Bee Keeping

John and Tony couldn't believe their luck.
Both had enjoyed the hobby of beekeeping for several years now.
With one goal in mind, they carefully planned their trip to the Buffalo Valley Beekeepers Association convention.
Each wanted to come home with a new queen for the hive.
Surprisingly, the queens came with a new hive.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - Bad Easter Bunnies...

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. These four pictures are worth a Flash 55.
It's not funny; this holiday needs to be regulated by someone with authority!
I mean there are a lot of scary freaks and perverts out there.
Honestly, would you want your children near any of these Easter Bunnies?

Easter Bunny Bootcamp

Cornerstone Community News, Vol. 1, Issue 4

As the Easter holiday fast approaches, the newest selection of Easter Bunnies are finishing there last minute drills and preparations for their big day. Will Shutter, our resident photographer and sometimes reporter here in the Cornerstone Community, recently visited the local training facility here on the Cumberland Plateau. Will said that he was astonished at how much training these bunny candidates endure in order to get the baskets and eggs delivered on time.

Training starts in January and lasts 12 weeks. Specially chosen candidates are taught skills such as basket building, egg safety, egg dying, Easter egg hiding, chocolate care, jelly bean distribution, and proper basket delivery. Will Shutter tried to get and interview from one of the candidates for this story, but was informed that Easter Bunnies do not talk. Will went on to say, they handled themselves like militia, and had no doubt the baskets would be on time this year.
Cornerstone Fictional News, sometimes on Wednesdays, by the Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - We are talking about respect...

I am not just another bitch, and will not be treated like one. Am I asking too much, when I say, show a little respect for my position? Blot out from your mind any idea of superiority, you have none. All I ask is that you respect me for what I am, a human being.

If you share your life with a pet, you know they become more than just pets in the course of things. To some, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Although the picture is not of one of my dogs, she does represent the attitude and persona of our female.
Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

It's perspective

It's all about perspective. No matter what it is, religion, politics, money, love, school, work, relationships, parenting, blogging, inappropriate, funny, good, evil, it's all about perspective.


Things that taste like piss today in no particular order.
Politics
Television Choices
The forecast (rain today)
Physical rehab
Banks
My attitude

Another Wise Word Award

I was catching up on comments left for my Friday Flash 55, and found another wonderful Wise Words Award passed on to me by PattiKen. Thank you Patti for your gracious acknowledgment.

Buzzard

Wise Words Award - Recepient

I am extremely grateful for the "Wise Words Award" given to me by Jingle for my recent Flash Friday 55 Post.

Wise words seem to escape me when I write what a talented and thoughtful community "Mr. Knowitall has discovered in his creation of Friday Flash 55. The community encourages and supports all submissions, and I am fortunate to be just one of many participants.
Thanks, Jingle!

Buzzard

Weekly Funny... A Texas Teacher

This weeks funny, was sent to me by my wife.

Did you hear about the teacher in Texas who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his cowboy boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why...

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, there on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time, on the right feet...

He then announced, 'These aren't by boots...'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why Didn't You Say So?' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, ' There my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet again.

Helping him into coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

Flash 55 Friday - My Invisibility

A young boy's fantasy, inspired by 10Cent comic books, read as a child.
Was there a drug he should take, an invisibility cream, or maybe a disappearing ray?
Could it be true?
Was it possible a person could wander the streets invisible to the world?
It was much later in life, when he discovered invisibility.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

Publishing Cornerstone Community News...

Cornerstone Community News, Vol. 1, Issue 3

I usually publish Cornerstone Community News on Wednesday here on the plateau, but sometimes events take a turn, one way or another. That's what happened last Wednesday, events took the "or another" turn. You see it was a half way decent day for a change, so many of us in the community decided we needed to take a "me" day. Up on the plateau, that usually means the men go do their thing, and the women do whatever the hell women do when men aren't around.
This last week Wednesday, the men all decided to go down to Doohan's pond and fish a while, whilst the women decided they wanted to try a mud wrap, and spent the afternoon over at Barb E. Dahl's day spa, just off Hunter Cove road. A great time was had by both groups, and I would like to give special thanks to Will Shutter for the photos he provided.

I can't say the fishin was good, but we all enjoyed casting a few around the pond. Mike Long had the furthest cast of the day. Miss Tanya Hyde said everyone she talked with, enjoyed the peaceful and tranquil feeling of being pampered at a spa. Tanya went on to praise Ms Dahl for turning the old poultry barn and farm into something special for the girls.

As editor of our weekly news updates, it is necessary to announce a change in my publishing policy due to recent activities. I may or may not publish on Wednesdays in coming weeks. Depending on my mood that day, or how the fish are biting, or what condition my condition is in, I could publish on any damn day of the week. However, that is not so unusual here in the Cornerstone Community; a community though small in size, proudly celebrates the ideology and traditions of a nation. Like all Americans, we believe in doing what we please, when we please.

Cornerstone Fictional News, sometimes on Wednesdays, by the Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - A Familiar Face...

Such a familiar face, the woman shopping in the store.
I remembered her, that little girl who once lived next door.
Long ago rivals, I watched her naively bend down toward the floor.
I smiled, inspired, I took her cart and ran for the door.
Little rotten Ronnie chanced to be mean just once more.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - Shirt Tales

This week's Flash 55, is a 2fer readers choice. I have taken one picture and developed two 55's for it. My wife suggested to name them, "Shirt Tales". I am interested in which story you liked best.
Enjoy!

Clothed in Love
The morning air, so fresh and clean;
a day spent hanging out together, just the two of them.
Warm gentle breezes swirling to and fro;
neither afraid of being carried away in the moment.
He was thankful to touch something soft with his outstretched arms.
She was relieved it wasn't just another stuffed shirt experience!





Dirty Laundry
It wasn't their dirty little secret any longer.
Now it was out in the open for all to see.
He tried to take her into his arms.
Reluctantly she pulled away.
Was she hanging him out to dry?
Had he been using the same old line?
Maybe, she didn't want to be pinned down anymore.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

It's all your fault....

Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to find out what's causing a bad mood. I admit to irritability, and at times being a little moody; but hard to please? I don't think so.

Nevertheless, the blame for these conditions can now be set straight, and once we get past the blame, (which is hard to do) there is a simple remedy. The advertisement (featured to the left), although granted, it is a little dated, is far ahead of its time period. The forward thinking writers of this article knew that a well balanced meal was important in keeping a man's disposition in good order. Almost every day there is something about the importance eating correctly featured at both the local and national news levels. A well-balanced meal is needed to keep the human machine in good working order. So with that said, "Wives, It's All Your Fault."

Buzzard
President of the "Don't Blame Me Society"
Charter member of "It's Not My Fault Association"
Founder of the, "I Didn't Do It Clubs of America"

Taking care of the step children...

Cornerstone Community News Vol. 1, Issue 3

Local resident Harry Sachs is well known in the Cornerstone Community for his affinity for wildlife. He can be found tending his bird and squirrel feeders year round, but pays special attention to his pet squirrel, he playfully nicknamed “Rooster” (pictured above left). Mr. Sachs said when he first met ole Rooster, “he was raiding the bird feeders faster than I could fill them up. I decided that my efforts might be better served by setting a squirrel feeder up on the porch.” Mr. Sachs went on to say, “It wasn’t long until him, and I became good friends. There’s just something special about the little man.”

Harry’s wife Minnie said “with the exception of Rooster’s little girlfriend, that squirrel is like a watchdog for our bird feeders. He just won’t allow another squirrel anywhere around the house.” “Barks like a dog sometimes,” Harry commented. “Looks like Minnie and I have adopted a couple of step children now.”

The couple said they prepare a mix of corn, sunflower seeds, and peanuts still in the shell to feed Rooster and his little female friend during the winter months. Harry said, “Squirrels like acorn nuts the best. With all these huge Oaks in the yard, ole Rooster always seems to be toting a couple of big ones around."

You can find the Cornerstone Community located on the Cumberland Plateau. Although a small community, we are proud to represent the ideology and traditions, which are the Cornerstone of life here on the Cumberland Plateau.

Cornerstone Community Fictional News Wednesday, by the Buzzard

Faires are not all the same...

You know that all fairies are not the same. I prayed that the sock fairy would return some of the socks I had been missing. She actually showed up.

SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME!

Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - PTSD

Hidden among the dark forbidden corners of the mind, lay that one searing memory; the one waiting to torment at the slightest chance of weakness, vulnerability, or insecurity. Not a dream, nor even your worst nightmare; a true déjà vu experience of another time. All senses acutely aware, constantly reliving the exquisite horror of yesterday.

Described from my own experiences, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, effects thousands if not millions of veterans of all wars, and others who experience a traumatic life changing event. This illustration belongs to an article about the use of MDMA for the treatment of PTSD published in an Israel weekly magazine called Yediot Ahronot.

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

Cornerstone man angry with city hall...

Cornerstone Community News, Vol 1. Issue 2

Local Cornerstone Community artist and handyman Doug Looney, is in a fight with city hall, over payment for services. Mr. Looney said the issue came to a head this week after the delivery and unveiling of his latest creation for the court house square located at the county seat.

Doug, a long time chainsaw artist living here in Cornerstone, said that last fall he had been contracted by County Treasurer, Ben Dover, to create a piece of art for the court house square that would both represent the heritage of the community and also be functional to those visiting the square. After canvassing many folks visiting the square for thoughts about what was needed to enhance their experience, Mr. Looney indicated the most often received answers were about the lack of bathrooms. Doug said, that his concept was based on the idea that women prefer to use the few indoor bathrooms available on the square, where as, "men usually don't care where they go." He continued, "The County has long been known for our hardwood trees and the logging industry supporting our tax base. He said, "I really think I hit the nail on the head, when I made this piece."

Mr. Ben Dover was unavailable for comment, and his office did not return my calls about Mr. Looney's complaint before this Wednesday's publication.

The Cornerstone Community is located on the Cumberland Plateau, and although just a small community, we are proud to represent the ideology and traditions, which are the Cornerstone of life on the Cumberland Plateau.

Cornerstone Community News Wednesday, by the Buzzard

Not so easy to find...

I was wandering around, and stumbled across the sign. Finally, after all these years I found the road leading to the place they all came from. (click on picture)

I dared not chance to go any further; I figured this had to be a very large city, with all the folks I've met from there in my life. Hell, I've been asked more than a few times myself, if I was some kind of an a--hole or something. Who knows, just a visit to the place could get a person tagged for life, ruining what was once, an otherwise stellar reputation.

Buzzard

Flash 55 Friday - To the Moon and Back

I tried to apologize, but she wouldn’t have it; still angry over my little transgressions.

I pointed to the sign we had lovingly placed above the bedroom door;

“I Love You to The Moon and Back.”

So what happened, I asked?

Nothing, nothing at all, I just didn’t know you were coming back so soon!

Friday Flash 55 is a fifty-five word story posted every Friday. To join in the fun, create and write any story you like in 55 words; no more, no less. Using this link, tell Mr. Knowitall a.k.a. the G-Man, by leaving a comment on his own Flash 55 post.

Buzzard

Snow Angels...

Cornerstone Community News, Vol 1. Issue 1

The entrepreneurial spirit was revealed this winter, here in the Cornerstone Community on the Cumberland Plateau. Mr. I. C. Tallywhacker (pictured left) started his “Snow Angels” snow removal service in January. Mr. Tallywhacker said that, “business was brisk, with all the snow we have had this winter,” but indicated he has been able to keep up with business so far. He said that most of his clientele were women who seemed to appreciate his ardent commitment to the job.

Several of Mr. Tallywhacker’s admirer’s spoke about the need for occasional help within the community. Mrs. Wood spoke of how helpful Mr. Tallywhacker had been after her husband’s recent heart surgery had incapacitated him. She said I. C. just sort of took care of everything I needed; he wouldn’t even take any money for it. William and Bruce, who live together just up the street from Mrs. Wood said, “He is the first person we call when there is the slightest chance it could snow.”

Mr. Tallywhacker has plans to continue this type of service as the seasons change. He believes there might be opportunities for him as a Garden Angel, Dirt Devil, or a place for him around Thanksgiving. He said it started out as really, “no big thing,” but it has really caught on; he has already made plans to help those that decorate around Christmas and will create “Christmas Angels” to help fill those needs. Mr. Tallywhacker said; “You, just never know when inspiration will whack you right up side your head!”

Cornerstone Community News Wednesday, by the Buzzard

About my valentine...

You never know when you’re going to bump into your best friend in life. The place, the circumstances, what drew you together, what fuels that relationship over time?

I am a very lucky man; I married my best friend. It wasn’t the first time for either one of us, but it was the right time for both of us. Our story of how, when, and where we met is a great story that will wait for another time. On Valentines Day the story for me is what fuels the relationship.

So how do I begin, or how do I tell a story in a short blog format, knowing that the details would fill a book. I can’t; I won’t try. The best I can do in this space is say; here are just a few of things I most admire about my dearest valentine.

My valentine loves me unconditionally. She shares my life, my space, my bed, and most of all fills my heart with joy. She picks me up when I stumble, tends to me when I am sick, and makes me hopeful when I am down. I am so grateful that I found an intelligent, funny, sarcastic, and clever woman to inspire my life. Generous by nature, creative in spirit, my companion, wife and best friend, shines with an inner glow that spreads warmth to anyone fortunate enough to cross her path.

As this is an observational humor blog, I would like to tell you she listens. However, that’s not going to happen. She’s a red head, and as reputations go, they are a little strong willed as we all know.

This is my valentine, my best friend, my soul mate, my rock, and the love of my life.

I love you Ms Teri!

Buzzard

I'm not allowed to go to the movies alone anymore...

It’s all about group dynamics. Put some research behind the fundamentals of group dynamics, and you will find that scholarly thought defining this process as “the social, intellectual, or moral forces that produce activity and change in a given sphere.”

When I was a young manager attending meetings and seminars we learned early on that there is more to group dynamics than meets the eye. I am sure many of you have heard the theory, I am most familiar with. “For every group there is an ‘asshole’ among them, and if you look around the group and can’t find that person, then you’re it.” I know that’s a little blunt, but it holds true in most group situations.

Lately, I seem to have gotten much better at picking this special person out. I don’t know if it’s because I have been that person myself so many times before, or if I am just more intolerant of bad or rude public behavior. My migration into older age groups may have something to do with it. You know old folks seem not to hold back their thoughts. We say what’s on our mind many times, when surely it would have been better to have just shut up.

This week I started my heart rehabilitation classes scheduled three times a week MWF. It’s all about exercise, and getting your heart and lungs back to strong healthy functioning organs. On the second day, I was able to pick out the butt head quick and easy. Another patient with a big mouth, rude, likes to give orders to the nurses, and has a lot of nothing to say. I already pointed him out to my wife when she came to pick me up as he was making a scene. I looked at her and said “that’s the asshole.” Ms Teri, my lovely wife, gave me the look! You know the one your wife gives you when her expression is saying “Not again”, “Don’t you dare,” “Behave yourself.” Did you notice the capital letters at the beginning of those phrases? Yea, you know the look.

This brings me to the story of why I am not allowed to go to the movies alone anymore.

I preface this story by restating what we see and hear on the news of late; that we are becoming a society of people with rude and bad public behavior. I also want to state that I have encountered innumerable tense situations with such behavior in my 30 year career as a manager. However, I never acted upon those demonic thoughts that occurred in those moments so to speak.

The week before my heart attack, I went to the movie theater to see Avatar. I love going to the movie theater, and will go alone if there is a movie my wife is not interested in. I am a huge fan of sci-fi and action adventure movies, and really enjoy the escape of a few hours, to view a movie the way it was meant to be enjoyed and heard, on the big screen. Avatar was even in 3D! I like to sit toward the top rows when it’s a stadium seating theater. A man about my age was already sitting in the back row, in the end seat that extended a couple of seats past the next row of seating. I chose the end seat in the row in front of him. We were early, I nodded as I sat down, and the theater began to fill up. As the local advertisements were flashing on the screen the man to my rear began to rant out loud about things, the economy, the price of the tickets, the price of the refreshments, our government, our military, and on and on and on. He was loud enough that he had your attention, whether you wanted to give it to him or not. A young woman and her child sat next to him as the house filled, and all I could hear was the same complaints over and over again as the lady tried to be polite in her responses.

I looked around for an escape of some sort to another seat, but by this time the theater was about full, and I had a prime seat except for the asshole in back of me. The house lights dimmed and movie previews began, and the idiot in back of me continued to rant, as I became more and more agitated. (that word agitated doesn’t really express my true feelings here) Finally the movie starts and the loud mouth shuts up. Finally!

The movie, in my humble opinion, is great, and at this point I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience. The entire audience is standing and clapping in approval and the ASSHOLE in back of me shouts out to the world, “That’s, what’s wrong with our government today. Yeah, you can’t trust them!”

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!

Now I had not only identified the asshole in this group, but I decided it was time to call him out. I left quickly and waited just outside the theater doors inside the lobby wait area. He was one of the last to leave the theater; surely still ranting to anyone that would listen. As he proceeded up the corridor to exit the building, I stepped along side of him. Sizing him up, he and I were about a perfect match, same age, same height, same weight; you know two old fat farts. I began my introduction, by telling him that I believed in freedom of speech as well as anyone, but I didn’t think that his behavior was appropriate for people who had paid to see a movie and escape from this everyday bullshit.

His Ass Holiness then became confused, and thought that I actually wanted a response. I really didn’t want him to answer or say another word, in reality; I just wanted him to know that someone else thought his behavior was inappropriate. But, he did respond, not sure what he said, but I immediately moved to the next level reversing roles with him to become the aggressive asshole. I shouted profanity in his face, called him a piece of crap, (used other words), and I went on and on and on, trying everything in my power to get this piece of human slime to do what? I don’t know hit me? Yea, I guess that’s where I was headed, but at that moment and place, I just wanted a piece of this guy; to say you just can’t get away with bad behavior and not get called out for it.

The man was much smarter than I gave him credit for, because he scurried toward his vehicle as the crowd drew upon us, and I was calling him every profane name a man with any balls would normally respond to with some physicality. Luckily, for both of us, he left, and I found my car and drove home.

I made the mistake of relating the story to my wife. I told her she was real close to bailing me out of jail, but the other man proved to be smarter than me. She gave me the bad news about going alone to the movies.

The next week I had a heart attack. Stress is a big factor they tell me.

Buzzard

Elmer Fuddism...

Have you noticed the new commercials by Geico Insurance? The new commercials where the announcer asks, "Can switching to Geico really save you 15% or more on your car insurance?" He then comes back to ask an emphasizing question that makes his point, and in this particular commercial, asks the follow up question; "Does Elmer Fudd have trouble with the letter 'R'?" Poor Elmer is then shown in a cartoon being chastised because he can't say the word wabbit.

I only mention this because as a child, I too was stricken with Elmer Fuddism. Yup that's right, a guy, who's first name starts with the letter "R" (Ronnie, pronounced Wonnie in Fuddism) couldn't say his own name properly. That time machine I spoke about in my very first post, has taken me back to this small traumatic event of my childhood. When I told my wife and daughter in law about it, they just laughed. I told them it wasn't funny, I had to go to special class and everything! They didn't care, they still laughed at me. Little wotten, Wonnie, went to speech class to learn all about them wascally wabbits. Trust me, I know how Elmer Fudd feels.

When using the letter "R", it is mostly pronounced using the "er" sound. So I was sent to speech class to learn how to pronounce the "er" sound. I remember the speech teacher would squeeze my cheeks, and make a face like fish when she would use the "er" sound. I can't remember when the "er" sound just came naturally. It was probably when I started cussing, if you recall there are a couple of words where the "er" sound is really emphasized.

I asked a few folks if children are still sent to speech classes when they are young to learn how to speak letters and words properly. Yup, it still seems like Elmer Fuddism is an issue, but they don't call it that. Wouldn't be politically correct, I guess. It's called speech therapy for children, and in particular teaching articulation for those children having trouble with saying certain sounds or words correctly. The class worked well for me, no one knew about my specialized training in public speaking at such an early age until I told them about it. They still can't stop laughing about it either. Some "secwets" are just better kept to oneself.

Buzzard

The sky is falling, the sky is falling...

at least it is here on the Plateau. If you live in the South, you know that the threat of snow will send most everyone scurrying around like Chicken Little worried that our world will surely come to a snowy end, or at least life as we know it for few days. It snowed between six and eight inches here on the plateau over night. I noticed some drifting, so it could be much deeper in places.

Being raised in the north, and living out in Colorado for a while, it's just another day. We can and will deal with it, even though no one in the south owns snow removal equipment; not even the state if you want to know the truth. Why would they, it snows an inch or two once a year at best. There hasn't been any other news being broadcast in Tennessee over the last few days, it's all about the storm and snow. Every single detail is being talked about, all possible persons of interest interviewed, and preparations were made for all contingencies.

I watched yesterday, as my three dachshunds took little notice of the white flakes falling, and even frolicked a little in the inch or two that settled in the yard by last call potty time. This morning it was another thing. As my wife led them out the front door, the six or more inches of snow had made quite a difference. You would think so too, if your legs were only four inches high, and the most important parts of your body were plowing snow underneath you. Poor Sedona, the oldest of our three, couldn't find a spot shallow enough to take a dump. Think about that for a moment. I mean that's tragic, it belongs on the news, who knew about preparing for your dog to take a dump.

Sedona, is available for interviews, if your listening channels 2, 4, 5 , and 17. However, I must warn you, she still isn't very happy about her ordeal.

Buzzard

Another weight loss program...

My wife brought home something yesterday that I haven't touched in over 30 years; a size large shirt and a pair of pants in a size 38 waist. Hey, this big boy has been an XXL player for a long time. The last time I saw a size 38 waist pants on my ass, I was probably about eight years old. No not really; I was a skinny kid through high school, gained a little shortly after, but lean and mean, by the time I was discharged from the Army. My weight gain began, in earnest, in the late 70's with me topping the scales between 275 or 280 in the 90's. I fought back in the late 90's and took off about 50 pounds. This past October I was pushing 250 again when I visited the doctor for the first time in two years.

It's been over a month now since my heart attack and subsequent surgery. Neighbors and friends will drop by and the conversation eventually leads to the question, how much weight have you lost? I tell them I am on a medical weight loss program, and have lost about 40 pounds since November. Most go ahead and bite at that point, asking me how a program like that works. I tell them, it's a B.I.T.C.H. to begin with, but the results are unbelievable. First they split open your sternum, spank your heart several times, pull some veins out of both your legs and chest, replace a few arteries, and VOILA... over the next few weeks and months a dramatic, or maybe it's a traumatic effect comes over your whole body.

Not too much interest in this program, once you explain it to them. I have seen commercials on TV that talk about medical weight loss programs all the time. Now I know what they are.

Somewhere along the way, the talk switches to how much weight they need to lose, and how they intend to deal with it. It's tough, as I said, I have dealt with it most of my adult life. A couple of friends have offered up tread mills, stair steppers, and other assorted exercise machines that can be currently found in their basements or garages, now used as coat and storage racks. But, as my wife and neighbors know, I have an aversion to structured activities, and especially anything that resembles an exercise routine. The on going joke among them, is you can always find that old Buzzard sitting in his recliner.

I love this old recliner, it fits my butt well. It's placement is such that I have a clear view out the front door to the top of the hill, a beautiful view out the back window to the mountains and beyond, a side view at the TV and full view of all household activities that may be going on. I blog, "Facebook," and read my email using my laptop there, nap from time to time, read, listen to music, and bond with my dogs. It's the perfect peach for an old Buzzard like me. Recently, I have come to believe this chair is an important part of my weight loss program. Yea, that's it, my own customized exercise machine of sorts, up down, up down, lean back, lean back, up down up down...

Buzzard

This is Casey...

Casey is giving me this sideways glance, because he is trying to figure out how pissed I might be. He ate my flutter valve. What's a flutter valve you may ask? Well, one of the things they work on after heart surgery is getting your lungs to work properly again. Never mind that your chest is stitched back together with wire and glue, those lungs have to expand and contract in order to keep the fluid out. I get it, I understand. In the hospital, the nurses and doctors would constantly remind you to use the two pulmonary toys issued to you, a flutter valve that works on the blowing side of your lung capacity, and another torture toy, of which I do not know the name of, that you suck on.

The one you suck on is a killer. It's like that carnival gimmick for the strongest man, where you slam a great big wooden sledge hammer into a small flat plate at the bottom of a long tower with insults printed at different levels, that shout out at you if you aren't coordinated enough to ring the bell at the top. The suction toy works much the same way, except, there are no insults, just large format numbers that stare back at you while you're turning red trying to get this blue hockey puck to float up above 2500. I am still at 1750. I suck in more than one way in this story.

Back to the flutter valve incident. The flutter valve makes noise when you blow on it, kind of sounds like a horse whinny when you blow through it. You're supposed to blow on it as long and as forceful as you can. As I said the nurses and doctors were quite assertive in their lecture about my use of both pulmonary toys daily when I was released from the hospital. So I used them religiously, you know, on Sunday for about an hour, but not every Sunday, because of the weather, a headache, or the car wouldn't start. Okay I wasn't so faithful to the program. On Sunday, (church day by the way), my lungs seemed to be giving me a problem, so I fumbled through the drawer next to my recliner to find the damn thing buried under the pile of hospital and doctor bills we have been receiving. I figured I would flutter, since I didn't mind that as much as being insulted by the sucking machine for under achievement.

Yesterday, my lovely wife drove me to town to get a haircut. I had used the flutter valve that morning and left it on the table next to my recliner when we left home. Casey, one of our three dachshunds, is a seven year old standard size long haired dapple. I say standard size but the maniac is about 25 lbs. His official AKC puppy papers say he is a miniature. We all know that couldn't be wrong, it was certified by the AKC. At any rate, Casey has separation anxiety issues. If we leave for more than a few hours, he looks for something he can seek revenge on. He never chews anything if we are home, but let us leave in the car, and he finds something to let you know, he doesn't like it.

The flutter valve was laying on the floor by the recliner when we came back from town. I heard Teri say "uh oh," as I stopped at the bathroom coming in the door. He got the flutter valve, she said. Still in the bathroom, a smile appeared on the ghostly face in the mirror while I washed my hands. As I came out of the hallway, I saw Casey sitting in the chair flashing me that all knowing sideways glance he has. Dutifully, I scolded him for his total disregard for our personal property, his childish notion of revenge, and general bad dog behavior. Casey dutifully looked back, cowered and wagged his tail.

It's over, another religious icon lost among the rubble of the Buzzard's Loft. Teri picked up on my disappointment almost immediately. Nothing gets by that woman! The whole ordeal left me and Casey so distraught and tired, we decided to go downstairs and take a nap.

Buzzard